hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
And yes, in case u were wondering a 25 year old high school agriculture teacher did just hit on me At Walmart bc of my pinata
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
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