They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
We had sex on my friends waterbed ..after that the whole school kept asking him if he had fun getting "sea-sick" last night.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
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