my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
Randomize
