what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
Does getting a boner while watching the celtic women sing opera on ETV make me cultured?
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
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