The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Randomize
