i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
her teeth should be alot whiter from all of those blowjobs she gives
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
Randomize
