Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
40s are totally the cure
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Your penis caused this!
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
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