I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
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