i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
Okay, quick math test. If our entire group can do at least 6 shots a night, how much alcohol will be needed to keep us shit faced for the rest of the week? This is for a grade. Anddd, go.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
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