I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
