My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
the lady in the checkout infront of me had a case of beer, two 40 oz, and activia...really??i dont' think irregularity is her problem
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Randomize
