Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
were trying to schedule when i can give him head in between classes.
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
Randomize
