Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Randomize
