he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
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