Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
Do you know of any good hiding spots in the Atlanta area?
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
Randomize
