How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
You smell like a Billy Joel song
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
Randomize
