The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
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