I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
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