oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
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