Riding a fattie is like riding a scooter, its ok just not in public.
put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
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