i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
