I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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