is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
The visine ive been using for four yrs expired. in sept. of 2001.....i will never question my eye problems again.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
this will be a night to untag.
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
