Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
You can't special order awesome
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
This is davidson friend mat i an drunk. Thank you for having a physical relationship. With David. I bet he gas a penis the size of an elephant tusk. You are a lucky lady.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
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