Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
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