I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
Randomize