guys are only as good as the porn they watch
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
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