Dude WTF? His teammate just started talkin to me on fb! Am I walking around with a "I like to f**k gators" on my forehead?
No, it just says ur easy
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Randomize
