What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
Randomize