There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
I was rubbing the clit just like wikipedia told me to.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
You should frame my arrest warrant.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
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