Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
Randomize
