Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
I wish there was some sort of "recently added" function for blackberrys so i could see what random numbers i got from the night before
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
