I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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