I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
Randomize
