You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
