Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
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