Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
just cuze she's 16 doesn't mean it's illegal to add her on facebook
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
