wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
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