My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
