he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
the liver wants what the liver wants
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
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