She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
Randomize
