Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
Randomize
