he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
I have fence marks all over my body
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
Randomize
