im so drunk with asians
where?
always
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
