Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
