I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
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