I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
We climaxed at the same time during ain't no mountain high enough. Does it get more cheesy or domestic for a non relationship?
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
Randomize
