My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
Randomize
