You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
Is it possible to jerk off a nipple?
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
Randomize
