After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
