Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
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