drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
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