i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
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