totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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