And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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