I met the friendliest cop last night
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
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