His vagina is bleeding blood all over the court
anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
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