I was hooking up with him in my car, he wouldn't stop with my nipples, I had to literally beat him off of me. He kept groaning too while he was doing it. Sick.
Mommy issues
we watched a tutorial on how to do guidette makeup
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
Randomize
